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From the death of old self to the sustaining power of love

Updated: Jan 20

January is always a good time to reflect on our past year, which is what I was doing when an article from my favourite Hungarian astrologist, Brigitta Szántó popped up and realized that my last 2 years was exactly what she was writing about. “…to experience the SUSTAINING POWER that is only experienced by those who dare to burn themselves through complete annihilation. That sustaining power that is beyond our apparent losses, that is incomprehensible to humans, when everything seems to be lost, that power suddenly comes to you and holds you. When we think we've lost everything, that's when everything that's truly ours and our true value is revealed.” Inspiration instantly sat me down to write and share. I know many have been through a challenging transformational year, so might resonate.

Spiritual awakening is an exciting journey, but also hard work emotionally. Somebody told me once that you go through this great adventure of spiritual awakening and after a few years you realize that you should just carry on living in the real world the way you did before. I did not get it at the time. I personally have never been a grounded person – until recently. I did not know how to live in the “real” world, I was a daydreamer, I believed in lot of positive things. I did not like to be on Earth, I wished to go back to the stars. I lived in a magical world with fairies, angels, aliens, stars, higher dimensions. That all felt real and like home. It gave me comfort, yet my physical life was full of struggles. Being a single mum for a very long time was the strongest grounding I had. I had to provide and bring up my sons whom I loved dearly. So that certainly kept me going.

17 years into the spiritual journey of awakening and trying to figure out who I am, what is my purpose, I see spirituality so differently. I do not even like to call it spirituality as that word has been distorted lately, I prefer shift in consciousness. The early stages are all about learning that there is more to life than what we have seen before, and things work in the total opposite way, that truth as we thought of has nothing to do with the truth and certainly learning that there is way more to who we are, as a person, as a multidimensional soul being. We are going through a lot of emotional cleansing to find out who we are not and starting to remember who we are. It is all about taking responsibility, facing our shadow, embracing our wounds and transforming them. Spirituality opens up a whole new concept and a whole new world. By now I kind of get what that friend meant, that we just return to normal life eventually, however I would make a slight addition. I had to go through all that shedding, facing my shadow, relearning who I am to be able to integrate my higher version, my higher self, the divine energies and live a normal life with all that has integrated in me through the process. It is all about increasing vibration, integration and shifting consciousness. Yes, I can see now how eventually we return to “normal life”, but with a totally different level of consciousness. A deeper level of knowing, trusting, and inner peace. I know, that all that I have learned, experienced, flying in higher realms, now needs to be anchored and used in my physical reality. It is all nice to learn and know a lot of things, but we need to implement those skills in the physical.

Returning to the annulation and sustaining power topic, I realized how the past 2 years was the most powerful initiation in my life. 2,5 years ago I found the kind of love that I have been dreaming of all my life, a level of soul connection, that I have never felt before and as quickly as it came into my life in a way I pretty much lost it straight away. Looking back now, it is not surprising, loss was one of my deepest wounds clearly unresolved at the time. My dreams were shattered in a matter of days, yet the heart connection was there, so strong on many levels. At the very same time, I made my greatest dream come true, I was so empowered by the love that I felt, that following my heart and soul, I left behind all that I had - home, work, friends, dog, the Heart Light teachers group that was my rock foundation …all - to make my dream come true and finally return to the land that called my soul so deeply for so long. There was no other way. With one suitcase in my hand – mostly with my favourite crystals in it :) - I arrived to Ireland. It felt like I have finally arrived HOME.

Having so much change in one’s life is a massive grief process. People do not realize that grief is not only a loss of a loved one through death, but changing home or work, a separation etc. Practically everything that I had in my life has changed. But losing that divine kind of love was enough on its own. That whole process of losing that connection over and over was breaking me down. I had to face my deepest fears, my darkest shadow parts, my deepest wounds on physical, soul and spirit level. He reflected them all back to me, he held the strongest mirrors anyone ever held me. I remember one November evening, lying in my bed, full of the thoughts of loss, I felt excruciating pain in my heart. I felt like my chest, my ribs wanted to crack open, like a volcano before eruption. I cannot describe what I felt there. It kept going for quite a while, I just breathed and prayed for this pain, grief, loss to leave me in peace. And from one moment to the other it stopped, it felt like what you see in the movies when they switch off the life support, it was over. I felt nothing and emptiness. I felt I have died, and I finally found peace. Complete annihilation. It took me a while to realize that actually I am still alive, maybe a part of me died there and then. But that experience gave me strength, that sustaining power took over. I “returned” a different person. All the changes that came with being in a new country, new people, building new clientele, business, finding a room to live – all these challenges took me through a lot of “mini death” experiences. I or rather my ego, my old patterns, my outdated self died over and over, but always came back stronger. My dedication to create a happy life here was/is immense. In a way humanity is going through the same process. The old self, the old ways crumbling and the real, the truthful, the loving is coming to surface. 2,5 years into this process I can only say it was worth it. It took me through massive initiations and a deep awakening in my consciousness. Just as much there were challenges, I had so much support out of the blue. My divine guides clearly wanted me to make it through. I had many wonderful people coming into my life to help me tackle the challenges and support me in my transition. I truly feel blessed by the friends that I have here in Ireland. The gratitude I feel is limitless. They have shown me how a total stranger can be welcomed just like a family member. And now not only am I living in my dream land, but I have realized that so many things I held onto are not important. I used to be attached to my home, to my objects, my cloth, my crystals and recently I have lost that deep attachment in a good way. I realized all that I need is within me, around me, not in objects. I worked and tried so hard to figure out things, resolve things while what I really had to do is heal my trust issues with the masculine energy and God, to finally find peace. I cannot remember a moment in my life when I felt this extreme sense of inner-peace and surrendering that I have been feeling in the past 2 months. I am not saying there are no challenges, but the way they are dealt with has changed through this whole transformation. I have this deep knowing, that all is well, and I finally feel a deep trusting that whatever needs to come to my life will come in due time, not sooner and not later. Divine timing. I finally realized that it is ok to SURRENDER, to really let God or source lead me. Let God show me the way and magic happens in that process. How many times in my life I was told to surrender…, but I had no idea how to trust that much. And now I know that sustaining power we are looking for is divine love and that deep love within. That love brings peace, the knowing and trusting.

Being a spiritual wayshower I know very well that we create all our experiences. That lesson I have learnt long time ago, that is the foundation of spirituality. And looking back now I can come to acceptance of all that has been. I am able to come to peace within myself for all the experiences I chose. Every step contributed to who I am now. After all, it is all about our soul wanting to remember what needs healing and through that finding the way back to our true self, our purpose. Sometimes that purpose is to learn to love, most of all ourselves.

After 17 years of deep diving into my past, my reality, personality I figured out the games I was playing with or even against myself. The self-sabotage programs, the outcasting and more. Essentially, how I pushed myself to the very limit to prove to God that I am worth loving, only to realize of course that love can only come from within; you feel loved by source and by others as much as you can love yourself. That is possibly the greatest gift, when you really deeply feel that. And of course, lot of the issues we deal with on a soul level are family patterns, parallel life wounds, challenges of our lower aspects and collective wounds, but it is time to let go. Just allow a new loving way. We are creating a new world. There is no past anymore. There is only the present, the moment. In every moment we are creating a new world. Let us create something beautiful, based on trust, kindness, love, acceptance, peace and more!

Now with all that I have learnt through my spirituality, the universal wisdom, a connection to universal intelligence, a higher level of consciousness, a knowing of how energy, the soul and human games work, I have a deeper understanding of life. Finally, I can honestly say, that I want to live my life here, in this reality. I want to create that paradise I have been dreaming of here on Earth. That is why we are here!!! That is the real purpose, that is what we signed up for being incarnated on Earth, to create something amazing! I no longer resent humanity for creating the mess we are in and not respecting Mother Earth, I chose to love them and my human beingness for now, as that is how we can make a difference. Through love we can make that change happen. All the starbeings who are here now should come to peace with choosing being here, as what we can achieve now is incredible.

We all have a choice, to let the old self die and rebirth something beautiful, a true self. Consider our struggles a gift, just like the caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly after having spent some transformational time in the cocoon. We can choose the easy and loving way. No need to struggle anymore.

Humanity is learning that the SUSTAINING POWER IS DIVINE LOVE.

We can all choose LOVE and create a beautiful future together!

That is what I believe in and I will work for it as long as I am in this human body.

Lots of love and light!

Nóra Hormay

Heart Light healer and wayshower

Source of images : Canva magic image generator



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