I participated in a very deep healing workshop the other day. My soul was really triggered by this very short phrase: ..You are loved anyhow…
It really hit me hard. I felt this massive pressure on my chest and my heart was aching, feeling that it could not possibly be true. I could feel the presence of God, and felt the divine love, yet I could not receive it, I felt God could not possibly “love me anyhow”.
In a very short period of time I realized that it is pretty much the key subconscious self-sabotage program of my whole life. If I do something wrong I had it, I am no longer loved and it is set in my subconscious so deeply, that it pretty much effected all areas of my life.
An avalanche of recognitions came to me. Although I have seen these patterns separately before, but as a whole it came together now, like a big puzzle that you finish. As a child I wanted to be the perfect girl, best school results, well behaved, keep all rules, wanting to please my parents, teachers etc. I was the typical Mum and Dad pleaser. As an employee I pretty much carried on just the same, I was a workaholic, as I wanted to do everything as best as I could, on many occasions I pushed myself well over the limits, causing severe health issues (balance problems at 27, then a mild heart attack around the age of 42). It is crazy how I did not want to see all this, it was so obvious. It even affected my relationships. I remember as a teenager, I had this unreasonable fear that if I do or say something wrong in a relationship, I will not be loved, as a matter of fact I will be abandoned.
I had to realize in this workshop, that I still run these subconscious programs. I am walking on the path of spirituality and self-discovery, which has truly changed my life over and over again. I view life totally differently and I constantly support people in doing the same. However even on this path, looking back now, yet again I pushed myself to the limit. I do self-healing pretty much every day, I just look in the mirrors people and situations hold me and I go deep within, clearing my emotional blocks, fears, healing my deep wounds. I am constantly searching for answers, how to make myself a better person to serve the divine in the purest possible way. I wanted to know and understand everything. For the past 14 years I spent all my spare time reading, learning, seeking, going deep within to have all the knowledge – which of course I know is impossible. When I became a spiritual teacher, I was afraid that there might be a question one day, that I cannot answer. This is crazy, right? We cannot possibly know the answer to everything. We are not here to do that. We are heading into a new era, where feelings are important, not knowledge. Especially for me, as although I do teach and pass on lot of knowledge, I know for a while that my primary role in life is to support people, to teach them to love and give them hope. To do that, all I need is a pure heart, love and good intention and not the knowledge I keep seeking.
And now I understand, that I do not have to be perfect, as God, the divine really loves me anyhow. Since we ARE one with God. When we separate ourselves, we start to doubt that, but it is the separation, that we have to let go. On a conscious level I knew this for many years, but I had to release my self-sabotage programs to believe it on a subconscious level, too. Our imperfections are perfect.
A wonderful friend of mine shared a beautiful quote the other day, that really touched me:
“The idea behind a kaleidoscope is that it’s a structure that is filled with broken bits and pieces and somehow, if you can look through them, you still see something beautiful. And I feel like we are all that way a little bit. – Sara Bareiles”
She is right, us humans, we are all built up of many pieces of wounds, hurt and pain, yet if you look deep enough a beautiful soul shines through. After all we all are broken a little bit and as life twists and turns us, we are polished into a more and more beautiful kaleidoscope. God always makes us see the beauty behind. I guess our imperfections create the most perfect kaleidoscope of all, which is unique in every way.
The great transformation has started within me. I no longer want to be there on all teachers’ courses, I no longer want to be perfect or please anyone, I can accept, that we are allowed to make mistakes and even then there will be someone who loves us, if no one else, God will for sure. I am grateful for this liberation. I hope that all people who lived their life pleasing others just like I did, will feel this liberation one day.
This whole process made me turn a meditation experience of mine into a healing meditation, that I have written down. I will shortly set a date for an online meditation for releasing self-sabotage programs. Join me if you feel you need to release some, too. (I will keep you posted on my FB group: Heartlight Healing with Nóra Hormay)
Just remember, that “God loves you anyhow”!
Lots of love and light
Heartlight Wayshower and teacher
coach, self-awareness consultant